How do you break up with someone who refuses to go away? What can you possibly say to them that will make them realise that they are not only no longer loved, but his desperation is starting to make him look, quite frankly, like an idiot.

It’s not you, it’s me. We need to see other people. I’m gay. I am taking a vow of celibacy. I don’t like fat men with small dicks. You have no soul, no direction, and I need to move on and find myself a real man. I thought it was only a casual relationship…so I moved on to Kevin Rudd, and we are getting married in 2007.

None of this seems to impact upon Kim Beazley. His tenacity is starting to make John Howard look pale in comparison, and this seems to have an inverse relationship with his credibility. Just when we think Kim Beazley has gone down the drain, up he pops, bobbing in the blue tinged water, every flush making him just that little bit worn around the edges, ready to split in two.

Let me offer Kim some advice: Please just go away.

There was a time when I admired Mr Beazley. He was my local federal member when I was a child, in the seat of Swan. I then grew up and started to volunteer in his Brand office, manning booths, doing bits and pieces for the ALP. I even got into the local paper once, pictured with Kim Beazley out the front of the local Centrelink. He seemed like a nice enough guy. Very charismatic, and every bit the politician — kissing babies, you name it.

Then I moved away from my volunteering for Beazley and Stephen Smith and became involved in the young centre faction of the ALP. It was here that I became aware of the ideas of Mark Latham and Kevin Rudd. I read Civilising Global Capital and found it interesting. The Third Way, whilst simplistic, was at least trying to mend bridges between the left and the right — and looking to the future — which is something that opportunistic pollies very rarely do.

I also had the opportunity to hear Kevin Rudd speak once. A man that was (and always will be) way too smart and articulate for politics. Never have I been so inspired as when I heard Kevin Rudd going on about foreign policy. Except for when I read Mark Latham’s book. And heard Kate Lundy speak. Back in 2000, I was excited at the thought of new, exciting ALP pollies, that took risks with policy, saw things differently to the old ALP, and were genuinely interested in a better Australia. Politics was about ideas again.

So, imagine my excitement when Mark Latham was elected as leader of the ALP. Look, I took issue with a few policies. I see some of his ideas as simplistic, especially in the area of welfare, but hey, it was representative of change within the ALP. It represented out-with-the-old-in-with-the-new. Sort of.

Mark was never given a chance. He soon had his balls kicked in, his spirit crushed, and his pancreas fucked from stress. And the Beazley camp rejoiced. And Kim, pretending to be oh so nonchalant and “i’ll do it if noone else will”, puts his hand up for the leadership.

So now, the ALP are forced to choose between all that is wrong with ALP, and a new direction. Of course, if the Beazley camp lose they will just undermine whoever is elected anyway… but yes.

The ALP needs to get its Act together, and fast. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do not believe that Beazley the Unflushable is the only option.